Thoughts on toast...

The guy who invented the toaster doesn't get enough recognition. I mean here's someone who looked at a piece of bread and envisioned a machine that will make it warm and toasty. Hell, without him "toasty" wouldn't even be an adjective.

I wonder if toast even existed before the toaster. Maybe it existed, but hardly anyone knew about it. It was only available at really nice restaurants that had the proper oven to prepare it.

"Yes, I'll have the Prosciutto-wrapped scallops for an appetizer, and a bottle of Sangria. What would you recommend for a main course?"

"Well, sir, the roast duck is very tender, and the lamb is delectable. However, I would personally recommend the toast."

"Ooh, that sounds good. What's toast?"

"It's crispy bread served with your choice of melted butter or strawberry jam."

"That sounds delicious. I believe I'll have the toast."

English Paper 2

Again, sometimes I want to make a post, and I come up with something I've already written for English class that I quite like. This is one of those.

This paper was an essay in which we were supposed to compare and contrast two things. The teacher let us pick whatever topic we wanted, so I decided to go with something I thought was interesting...


5/30/07
Giant Mechanical Wolves vs. Regular Wolves that Can Shoot Lasers Out of Their Eyes

In life, many important people have pondered many important things. How did our civilization begin? Why do objects fall to the ground? Do the stars really revolve around the earth? Is the earth really flat? Some of those questions now have answers because of the people who dared to ask them. Others are still being debated fervently to this day. The human race’s ability to challenge ideas in the never ending quest for knowledge is one of our greatest abilities. Without it, we would never learn, we would never advance, and we would be no better than monkeys (although monkeys are almost better than us because their feet are like hands, and that’s pretty cool). It is imperative that we challenge issues in order to increase our intelligence. These questions are important. But the one most important question of them all, one which has been the topic of discussion between wise men for centuries, is the topic at hand. Who would win in a fight between a giant mechanical wolf and a regular wolf that can shoot lasers out of its eyes?

To begin, it is vital to analyze the similarities between the opponents. Of course, both are wolves (or at least some sort of wolf cyborg). Each of the combatants is fully equipped with a vicious set of sharp fangs and the claws to match. These animals are known for their keen hunting skills. This is a definite advantage in a fight. Wolves are accustomed to all kinds of terrain, including temperate forests, mountains, tundra, taiga, and grasslands. They are hunted in many places for their fur and for their threat to livestock. But if anyone tries to hunt one of these wolves, the threat will be to them (unless, of course, the hunter wields some sort of laser and/or is giant and mechanical, but that is beside the point). The battling canines would be equipped with these essential skills, and in that sense they are alike.

But what makes the individual adversaries unique? As everyone knows, giant mechanical wolves are exactly twenty-three meters taller than regular wolves and weigh from two to three tons (depending on how many cup holders they have). Such a wolf’s body consists of a hard, metal exoskeleton, offering the giant wolf a heavy armor which can protect it from shotguns, bulldozers, and low-flying aircraft. Regular wolves, on the other hand, are usually only about three to four feet tall, consisting of a fleshy organic body easily penetrable by bullets, claws, and sharp metal. However, the one thing the regular wolf has that the mechanical wolf doesn’t is the ability to shoot lasers out of its eyes. On top of that, the advantage of being a living mammal is that it has a mind of its own. It doesn’t rely on any sort of artificial intelligence like its competition does. The laser-wielding wolf can use its natural instincts to outwit the less intelligent giant. It can swiftly move about, while the mechanical movements of the giant wolf fall short. On the other hand, if the smaller wolf were to get close enough to its canine counterpart, the larger of the two could easily smash it with brute strength. Clearly the battle would conclude with a torrent of laser beams and a furious slashing of metal claws, but the winner could be either. The abilities and advantages differ greatly between the two.

Obviously, none of this will be possible until the government finally releases its combat wolf prototypes it has been keeping top secret for the past seven years. Until then, we must simply use our powerful human minds to contemplate the outcome. We must ponder at the grace and agility of canines with lasers and the strength and enormity of giant mechanical wolves. After all, isn’t the ability to debate the solutions to unanswered questions what makes us a superior species? We might not have lasers, but at least we have that.

English Paper

Sometimes I want to make a post, but I don't feel like writing anything. Then I remember something I've already written and think, "Why not just post that?" So every once in a while I'll post something I've written in the past for English class.

This one was for an assignment where we had to write some sort of parable with a moral to it. Mine was entitled "Never Trust a Grizzly Bear."


10/6/06
Never Trust a Grizzly Bear

A six-hundred-pound, ill-tempered mammal with five sharp claws on each paw and a set of ridiculously pointy teeth is not your friend, nor does it want to be your friend in any way, shape, or form. A beast of such monstrosity is good for only two things: eating raw salmon and completely tearing things to pieces (which is usually done with the claws, but sometimes they like to change things up a bit and use the ridiculously pointy teeth). The beast I am referring to is, of course, the grizzly bear. If you ever come across such an animal, the best thing to do is to ignore it and quickly walk away. For example, if you are lost somewhere and happen to come across one of these six-hundred-pound ill-tempered mammals, it would be in your best interest not to ask it for directions (mostly because it will probably respond quite negatively, but also because if you’re so lost that you’ve ended up somewhere out in the wilderness with grizzly bears, directions aren’t going to help you much). The general point I’m trying to make is that grizzly bears are just plain difficult to get along with. How so, you ask? Well, let me tell you a story…

One day two good friends named Andy and Larry were taking a hike in a large, picturesque forest. The forest had giant oak trees, rolling hills, vibrant colors, and a long, winding river. The river was known for having a very large amount of salmon, and because of this it was named Sammon River. (The person who named the river wasn’t very good at spelling.) Every year the salmon would swim upstream, jumping out of the clear, wavy water, furthering the distance made on their long, difficult journey.

Andy and Larry had been hiking for two whole hours when they decided to take a rest and enjoy the scenery.

“It’s about time we took a break,” said Larry, sounding quite tired. “I’m quite tired.”

“I’m pretty worn out myself, Larry,” responded Andy. “I say after this rest we head back home.”

“That sounds like a great idea to me,” said Larry cheerfully.

The two sat on a large rock and caught their breath after walking almost five miles on the uneven terrain of the forest. They listened to the wind and the calls of birds as they relaxed under the falling leaves. Suddenly Larry stood up, looking shocked, as if he had just seen a grizzly bear.

“I’ve just seen a grizzly bear!” shouted Larry.

“Where?” inquired Andy. “I don’t see anything.”

“Don’t you see it? It’s right down there, eating fish out of Sammon River,” said Larry, motioning toward the bear. The bear was on all fours swiping at the speeding river current, occasionally catching a nice, big salmon and then proceeding to devour it. “I want to get a closer view,” declared Larry as he began to advance toward the river.

“Are you insane?” demanded Andy. “That’s a real, living grizzly bear. You can’t just walk up to a grizzly bear. That’ll just lead to nothing but trouble.”

“I don’t care what you say,” insisted Larry. “I’ve never seen a real bear before, and I’d like to get a closer look.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” With that, Andy turned around and walked down the path the way they came.

“Fine then. You can go home. I’m going to stay here and watch the bear.”

Larry was about a hundred feet from the river, and he could see the bear easily. But he wanted a closer look. He began to walk forward, getting closer and closer to the river as each second passed. With each step he took, the bear made a swipe at the river, sometimes catching a salmon and demonstrating one of the many uses of its ridiculously sharp teeth. Larry wasn’t scared, though. He was confident that the bear wouldn’t notice him. Even if it did, Larry wouldn’t be very bothered. He could just turn around and go home with no harm done. Soon he was only fifty feet from the river. The bear clawed his way through the rushing water, and Larry advanced even further. The bear didn’t notice Larry because it had its back turned on him. Larry moved closer and closer to the grizzly bear without it noticing a thing.

Suddenly, the bear stopped. Larry stopped. The bear cocked its head. Larry cocked his head. The bear snorted. Larry snorted (which is, in fact, a bad thing to do when you’re trying not to let a grizzly bear notice your presence). The bear turned around and locked its gaze with Larry’s eyes. For five whole seconds the two stared at each other, Larry becoming more numb with each passing moment. The bear stood up and roared. They were only ten feet apart. Larry was frozen in place with fear. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t get his legs to move.

The bear advanced on Larry, bearing its vicious teeth and flexing its claws. All of a sudden the bear yelled, “Look over there!” Larry turned around and the bear stole his wallet.

The moral of the story is never trust a grizzly bear, especially if it can talk and happens to be short a few dollars.

Thoughts on retarded dinosaurs...

Click on this to view my stupid cartoon entitled "Randal the Retarded Dinosaur."

(It's difficult for him because he's a dinosaur. And he's retarded.)

Drawings

Lately I've been making a lot of little drawings that I find amusing. If I continue in this direction, I might make a separate blog just for them. Or maybe I'll keep them in this one. I don't know. Either way, please excuse the boringness of this post.

Running With Scissors

A Haiku

Caterpillars are
kind of hairy and also
don't taste very good

Thoughts on scribbles...

You can't cross out scribbles. That'll only make them bigger and more destructive.

Thoughts on strangers...

In life I have stumbled upon many awkward situations. These situations occur frequently, and each time never fail to frustrate me beyond explanation. (But I'll give it a shot.)

Have you ever had a day where you constantly see one specific stranger everywhere you go? This has happened to me on multiple occasions. One very good example is on vacation. You're at the airport, and this guy is in front of you in line while boarding. Let's say you're in line for a long time, so you can't help but become very familiar with what he looks like. After the plane arrives at your destination everyone goes their separate ways, but you happen to see him at the rental car place. Well, that's an understandable coincidence. But then you're at your hotel sitting in the lobby drinking coffee, and who walks in but the same guy from the airport? That guy.

At this point you've both noticed. You think he thinks you're stalking him, and he thinks you think he's stalking you. From then on, any time you happen to see this person while on your vacation it becomes very awkward. Absolutely no eye contact is allowed. The first person to make eye contact in this situation is officially considered the stalker. Absolutely no talking is allowed. The person should be ignored at all costs, even though you both clearly know what's happening. There's an unspoken code here that must be constantly upheld.

The tricky thing is that when this guy walks into the room you want to look to see if it's that guy again. But you can't look. If you're caught looking at him, he might think you're following him. So at this point you simply don't look up when anyone enters a room. But it's not like you can explain this to anybody. They won't know what you're talking about. It just bottles up inside. The only person you can talk to about it is the guy you keep seeing everywhere you go, but you can't talk to him about it because what if he hasn't noticed? Then he'll definitely think you're weird. It's just an all-around awkward experience.

Also I don't like apples very much. But they're kind of good with the skin peeled off. And with caramel. They're really good with caramel.

(I didn't know how to end this post.)

Thoughts on superheroes...

I want to be a superhero, but I don't want to fight crime.










. . .










Don't get me wrong. I look great in tights.

A couple of ancient posts...

I recently deleted my MySpace blog because I use this one now. I had a couple of posts on there that I didn't entirely desire to part with. They're pretty old, and not really that good (I read through them just now and realized they're pretty stupid). But still, I wrote them and want to keep them.

PEANUT BUTTER: Making the right decisions...

Creamy or Chunky: The ultimate showdown.

But is it really much of a tough decision? Is it really even a matter of opinion? My answer for you fine ladies and gentlemen tonight is simple. No.

Why? Because there is a clear winner. And that winner is, of course, creamy peanut butter.

You may be asking yourself, "Why? Why bring up this topic? Why is the answer so definite? Who stole my stereo?"

Although I can't help you with that last one, I may be able to open up your minds to why creamy is the right decision.

Creamy peanut butter is by far the best decision when offered a choice between the two variations. Creamy peanut butter has a much better consistency than its well-meaning but morbidly disgusting chunky brother. The real point I'm trying to make is that creamy peanut butter is easier to spread. Try making a PB&J sandwich on thin white bread with chunky peanut butter. You can't do it. The bread tears from the spreading. Come on people. Use your head.

And what about the taste? I must say, I can enjoy a good spoonful of the ol' butter a lot better without a bunch of peanuts stuck in my teeth. Who needs it? Nobody, that's who. If that's what you want, just go buy a bag of peanuts.

And as all knowledgeable sandwich enthusiasts know, you want to spread the peanut butter on both sides so that the jelly doesn't leak through. But how can you get the jelly in there with all those peanuts? You can't. There's such a thing as too many peanuts. Come on, people. Use your heads.

So there's your answer. Creamy. Just don't bother with chunky. It'll do you no good.


Curly Fries

I'm here today to lecture you, my much-appreciated blog-readers, on the importance of curly fries.

First off, if you don't like curly fries please take this moment to grab the nearest blunt object and quickly force it into the same space occupied by your face. You see, solids can't move through solids, causing the desired effect of you getting hit in the face with said blunt object. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LYING TO ME. Everybody loves curly fries. It's not a matter of opinion. Never try to pull that again. I will cut you.

Why are curly fries so delicious? I'm offended you even had to ask. Well, let's compare them to the standard regular fry. Narrow, plain, uncrunchy pieces of garbage. That's what normal fries are. How dare I even begin to compare them to the excellence that is known as the curly fry? Allow me to compare curly fries to something more worthy. Take God, for example. Creator of the universe, responsible for coming up with awesome animals like the freakin' platypus, brought us electricity and root beer, etc. God's pretty cool. But does God go well with horseradish sauce?

Of course not. How could you even fit him into the dipping cup? What a ridiculous thing to ask.

Curly fries are clearly worthy of everyone's mouth. And if you know what's good for you, you'll get your curly goodness from Arby's. Don't make me monkey slap you. I will do it. I'm crazy.

In conclusion, curly fries are delicious, and if you say otherwise you are lying and wanted for treason in at least thirty-nine states.